Managing the Emotions of Secondary Infertility – Secondary Male Infertility
Far too often in the midst of trying situations ancient adages meant to bring comfort or offer insight descend far small of their intention. Statements such as “What doesn’t kill us makes us strong” or “God never gives us more than we can maintain” although full of wisdom become platitudes from which there is no escape. Graciously accepting these well intended but nonetheless infuriating remarks from people whom we have deemed incapable of plot the pain we find ourselves in becomes an art form. Coping with secondary infertility is an unfortunate primer for honing such a skill.
It is hard for the outside world to look at a couple with a child and consider them infertile. Instead infertility is generally accepted as the inability to conceive at all by most non medical people, making it perhaps even more hard for friends and loved ones to approach at any thought for the unusual position posed by secondary infertility. Mention of the difficulty and frustration associated with trying to conceive a second time often quickly has its focus redirected towards the child you do have. More often than not we are told to be grateful for what we do have rather than wanting for something beyond our reach. Inevitably remarks such as these seem to come from our now fantastic with 3rd child best friends, whose new found like and craving for chicken salad sandwiches makes you want to knock the one she’s eating from her hand, telling her she has already experienced this delight and there is no need for a second since gratitude should get her through the next craving. Gratitude never was, and never will be the issue, a simple yet hard concept to convey to someone who has never walked in your only been pregnant once shoes. Remembering we are all human and as such comprehension for a specific circumstance can only come through like experiences, it is sometimes best to seek counsel with those who fully know rather than those empathizing with a situation for which they have no compass.
Having successfully parented one child, news of secondary infertility leaves you blindsided, dumbstruck, and really unprepared for the heartache which lies ahead. A once rational world of positive footing and confidence can quickly spiral into a world of obsession, blame, and a series of unending disappointments. Despite the tools we secure throughout life to aid in coping, few of us are ever fully prepared to watch anguish in the face and overcome it on our own. The valid news or terrible news as it may be is; over 3 million people are affected by secondary infertility so you are not alone and help is out there. In the meantime there a few tips which proved very helpful to me. They require a cramped perfecting and a lot of practice, especially at a time when all you want to do is wallow in your grief. Wallowing in itself is not necessarily a terrible thing, but it does gain extinct quickly, people tend to lose patience with it, and even a robe from Victoria’s Secret can only make a fashion statement for so long.
Secondary infertility quickly becomes a shroud of guilt. It is a sustained release 24 hour gel tab encapsulating us in a never ending sea of emotion, where guilt and blame are as interchangeable as Paris Hilton’s fiancée’s. There is self blame, spouse or partner blame, environmental blame, and the almighty God blame. The only intersecting road to blame is the longer road to guilt. Guilt for the blame, guilt for the child we are obvious we have now cursed with a life of loneliness and a room of their own for all eternity, guilt for the resentment we had for the new mother in the waiting room at the pediatricians whose baby projected vomit onto our shoes, it’s guilt with a side of blame served up for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Guilt and blame are by far the toughest things to overcome. You will never fully conclude feeling them but you can compose enough of a sense of humor to know taking more of your share of guilt and blame is just dreadful manners. Something has to be left over for all those Catholic and Jewish mothers of multiple children to pass on. My believe Catholic upbringing would have been nothing if not for the guilt, so attach some for later.
Madden and frustration can sometimes become much better motivators than guilt and blame. These two beauties can be channeled in so many creative ways. My first attempt at redirection was a less than fruitful but highly therapeutic line of anti maternity clothes. It was only my inability to sketch, sew, or raise capital which prevented me from achieving Fortune 500 status. Having already overcome guilt, I wasn’t feeling in the least bit dreadful about the time and energy I had expended on this dull end venture, it had served as a vent (albeit a twisted one) and I felt better. In retrospect joining a gym first may have been the better understanding, but you live and learn right? It was in fact a gym membership which brought me benefit to the land of the quasi sane and peaceful. Regular use improved my overall well being, got me sleeping again, improved my shape, and threw in the added side affect of desire, guilt free of course. It’s not a cure but it is a excellent open.
Isolation and withdrawal can posthaste become nearly insurmountable enemies. Pulling away from people who cannot relate is a natural adult version of thumb sucking. We no longer wish to endure trite statements, or the insipid chatter meant to deter mention of infertility. As natural as it may be to turn inward it is vitally vital now to step out of the comfort zone and believe ties with those closest to us. Sometimes life is a “suck it up” scenario, and when it comes to friends and family it’s often “free refill day”. Remember they like you, their intentions are first-rate, and in cases of brain freeze you have the gym.
Suffering in silence is never an attractive quality, unless of course your ultimate goal is to become a martyr. In which case if you have two miracles 1000 years after your death a Pope may declare you a saint and commission a medal in your honor. The rest of us but will have to rely on our communication skills to obtain us through. Open communication with your doctor can prevent an enormous amount of confusion and frustration down the road. Since you’ve already conceived one child without difficulty some doctors are less likely to intervene with infertility treatments in cases of previously fertile couples. If you’ve been trying for over a year with no results it’s time to do your homework. Speak with your doctor about available treatments, start doing research on your gain, and contact your insurance company to see what if anything is covered.
Walking the line between desire and obsession can be a precarious balancing act. Too often the huge picture obscures the view of the forefront, and the things we gain dearest to our hearts go overlooked and unattended. The child that we do have is also caught up in this all consuming tempest. Oozing emotions are among the things our sponge like offspring absorb. Chances are excellent if someone has pointed out the fact you may be obsessed, you probably are. As hard as that is to hear let it be a wake up call. You may not bag a second shot at being parents so don’t blow the one you do have.But unintentional, obsessive behavior can leave a child feeling left out, and frighteningly confused. Did I mention the reserved guilt, banked for parents lament? Trust me, even the most perfect of parents has plenty of interest in this account, you don’t need to be making any additional deposits.
Your husband is not the enemy, he just happens to be male. Men do not cope or communicate in the same fashion as women so quite trying. Let it be enough to have him hold you while you weep, or vent your frustration, trying to gallop emotion out of him which he probably couldn’t even mark with a Dynamo will only increase tension. Let him play golf.
Join a support group. One of the fastest ways to find a group of people who have walked in your shoes is to see out benefit groups. If you can’t gain one in your area, there are numerous websites with infertility forums and message boards. Let me just caution that although most are genuinely superior, some I’ve come across are well, just a mosey with the emphasis more on being in the pain rather than overcoming it.
Get it out. There is nothing more telling or cathartic than right raw emotion being committed to the written word. It matters small if the words are meant to be shared as a journey of hope for someone else, or simply as a written testament for ourselves to one day map the path we have traveled in life. Words bear witness to our trials and tribulations without judgment of our failures and shortcomings, perceived or otherwise. Journaling saved more than a small piece of this tormented mind.
Getting a firm grip on financial matters will prove invaluable when choosing which direction to take next. Aside from the emotional aspects, infertility treatments are usually pricey and not covered by most insurance plans, leaving many of us having to choose between financial burden, and the acceptance of infertility. Those of us who have explored the avenue of adoption quickly find out this can also be a cost prohibitive option, with some of the same pitfalls involved with infertility treatments. In both cases money spent is not always a guarantee of the desired result.
Let’s face it, when you’re in the throws of an emotionally charged, life altering event some, if not all of these suggestions verge on the side of lame. I’ll be the first one to tell you that if you told me 20 years ago to whip out my pen and commit my emotion to paper the pen would more likely have been used as a weapon. The road is a long one, and once a foundation is rocked, the shifting can only be prevented by hiring a professional Seeking psychological services from the get go is probably the soundest advice you will ever receive from me. Happiness is achievable, even when another child is not.
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Tags: high fsh male infertility, pregnancy male fertility, second baby infertility, secondary infertility investigations, secondary infertility low sperm count, Secondary Male Infertility, unexplained secondary infertility